My testimony from a few years ago

well, if you know me, i don't open up very easily.... i like to keep the mood light and happy. so i don't share my testimony enough. so i am about to share with you a very hidden part of my past. so here goes!! i grew up in the church and i have gone to Sandridge First Baptist Church since January 8, 1993(that's my birthday....) and i have gone for over 18 years now. i always went to KICS and GAs and Sunday school and Sunday service. pretty much anything the church had, i was there. so i always knew about God's love and that He was God and He controlled everything. i didn't have a relationship with Him. i just knew Him and i would talk to Him, but not everyday. well i went to Camp La Vida one year and they have what's called a "decision night" where each cabin gets a card for each camper. they go to a place and sit down and have a quiet time where the campers decide to become a christian or to re-dedicate their lives or they haven't decided yet. well i checked that i wasn't a christian and i prayed the prayer that night. when i got home i was baptized and i considered myself a christian.... for a while. but storms were brewing on the home front. when i was little my dad was never a dad to me, that didn't change when i got older. he abused my mom physically and verbally and he abused my sister verbally and towards the end, he started hitting her, too. i remember when things got heated between them, i would run to my room and hide under my bed trying to escape the fighting. and my mom would come to get me. she stayed with him until i was in the 5th grade. then she filed for divorce and surprisingly, things went down hill from there. the divorce was long, grueling and nasty. but during that time was when i really clung to God. He was the one who got me through everything. i had to go to counselors and visitations, which i did not enjoy. i went to my youth group and we would go on mission trips and do things related to missions and i loved doing that, but i was still distant from God.... i believed in Him and that He sent His only son, Jesus, to die for my sins, but i continued to only talk to Him when i needed Him. that's not how it should be.  the divorce was finally finalized when i was in the 9th grade. (told you it took FOREVER!!) well that summer, i went to a summer camp called Summersalt. i had never been before but my sister had gone. i was very quiet until about the 10th or 11th grade because i had no reason to talk. i gradually got out of my shell. i think that Summersalt helped encourage that. i realized that i can be crazy and loud and still worship God. in fact, my church had a cardboard testimony sermon. mine said, "Shy and Quiet" on one side and when i flipped it over it said, "Loud for the Lord." the concept behind a cardboard testimony is this, the first side is how you were before God changed you and the second side is how He changed you and what you are today. i have forgiven my dad because i don't want him to be the reason i don't get into Heaven, but i don't have a relationship with him. i can no longer trust him. i have been around so much hatred and abuse in my life that i am the type of person to make a sad situation happy. and i think that is one of my gifts, making people happy. i wrote this because i wanted people to know the real girl behind the laughs and the smiles. i hope this encourages people with their hardships and what they are going through. granted, i have not been through as much as some people, i think that God uses our testimonies to help other believers relate to each other to form community. because you can't hug God, but you can hug someone who has been through things similar to you.... God created community for that. if you have any questions, please, please, please DO NOT hesitate to ask me!! i am willing to answer any questions you have, or at least try to find the answer for you. i am willing to pray for you and encourage you!! i love you and so does Jesus!!