Friday, November 2, 2012
My testimony from a few years ago
well, if you know me, i don't open up very easily.... i like to
keep the mood light and happy. so i don't share my testimony enough. so i
am about to share with you a very hidden part of my past. so here
goes!! i grew up in the church and i have gone to Sandridge First
Baptist Church since January 8, 1993(that's my birthday....) and i have
gone for over 18 years now. i always went to KICS and GAs and Sunday
school and Sunday service. pretty much anything the church had, i was
there. so i always knew about God's love and that He was God and He
controlled everything. i didn't have a relationship with Him. i just
knew Him and i would talk to Him, but not everyday. well i went to Camp
La Vida one year and they have what's called a "decision night" where
each cabin gets a card for each camper. they go to a place and sit down
and have a quiet time where the campers decide to become a christian or
to re-dedicate their lives or they haven't decided yet. well i checked
that i wasn't a christian and i prayed the prayer that night. when i got
home i was baptized and i considered myself a christian.... for a
while. but storms were brewing on the home front. when i was little my
dad was never a dad to me, that didn't change when i got older. he
abused my mom physically and verbally and he abused my sister verbally
and towards the end, he started hitting her, too. i remember when things
got heated between them, i would run to my room and hide under my bed
trying to escape the fighting. and my mom would come to get me. she
stayed with him until i was in the 5th grade. then she filed for divorce
and surprisingly, things went down hill from there. the divorce was
long, grueling and nasty. but during that time was when i really clung
to God. He was the one who got me through everything. i had to go to
counselors and visitations, which i did not enjoy. i went to my youth
group and we would go on mission trips and do things related to missions
and i loved doing that, but i was still distant from God.... i believed
in Him and that He sent His only son, Jesus, to die for my sins, but i
continued to only talk to Him when i needed Him. that's not how it
should be. the divorce was finally finalized when i was in the 9th
grade. (told you it took FOREVER!!) well that summer, i went to a summer
camp called Summersalt. i had never been before but my sister had gone.
i was very quiet until about the 10th or 11th grade because i had no
reason to talk. i gradually got out of my shell. i think that Summersalt
helped encourage that. i realized that i can be crazy and loud and
still worship God. in fact, my church had a cardboard testimony sermon.
mine said, "Shy and Quiet" on one side and when i flipped it over it
said, "Loud for the Lord." the concept behind a cardboard testimony is
this, the first side is how you were before God changed you and the
second side is how He changed you and what you are today. i have
forgiven my dad because i don't want him to be the reason i don't get
into Heaven, but i don't have a relationship with him. i can no longer
trust him. i have been around so much hatred and abuse in my life that i
am the type of person to make a sad situation happy. and i think that
is one of my gifts, making people happy. i wrote this because i wanted
people to know the real girl behind the laughs and the smiles. i hope
this encourages people with their hardships and what they are going
through. granted, i have not been through as much as some people, i
think that God uses our testimonies to help other believers relate to
each other to form community. because you can't hug God, but you can hug
someone who has been through things similar to you.... God created
community for that. if you have any questions, please, please, please DO
NOT hesitate to ask me!! i am willing to answer any questions you have,
or at least try to find the answer for you. i am willing to pray for
you and encourage you!! i love you and so does Jesus!!
My Backstory for Acting
just so you know, this is completely fictional. none of this is true. it is for my acting class.
I have always had a spot in my heart for babies. Growing up, it was my dream to work in an orphanage one day in a far off exotic place. That dream changed when I was 15. It was 15 when I became pregnant by my boyfriend at the time. When I told him, he bolted. I could not tell my parents. They would have killed me on the spot. My dad was a pastor and my mom was a Sunday school teacher. Both of my parents were high standing individuals in the community. To have their daughter pregnant at 15 would be a huge disgrace. They would be the laughing stock of the town. I knew I had to get rid of the baby. I searched all over to find an abortion clinic where I knew no one would recognize me. I had to take the bus two towns over. I ended up in the slums. I knew that absolutely no one from my church or my town would recognize me. I was scared to death. I walked into the clinic with my wobbly knees and shaking hands. I almost burst into tears uncontrollably. My tears were forced back. I had to be strong. As I sat in the waiting room, it felt as though the walls started closing in. I felt like I could not breathe. It felt like there was a one hundred pound bag of flour on my back weighing me down. I had to get out of there and fast. I stepped out to get some air. Little did I know, there was a woman who followed me out. She was an older woman, maybe in her late 60s. She sat with me on the curb. She didn’t say a word. We just sat there. I felt uncomfortable because I just knew she was one of those Bible pushing maniacs trying to tell me about how God hates murderers. I knew she was judging me, she was thinking about how the Hell fires would swallow me up if I did not repent and turn away from my sin. I felt that way until I turned to her. Her piercing blue eyes saw right into my soul. Her soft smile filled her face. It was then that I saw a tear in her eye. I knew she was not there to condemn me but to comfort me. She wrapped her arms around me and I lost it. I started crying and I could not stop. Over the sound of my sobs, I could hear her saying, “I know you are scared honey. It’s going to be alright. Calm down. You are safe with me. There is no need to be afraid.” She only said encouraging and comforting words. I then told her my story. For some strange reason, it felt right to tell her. I knew she would not judge me and I knew she was there to listen. She told me about the options I had. I could put my baby up for adoption and if I wanted to, I could have an open adoption, or I could raise the baby myself. She told me if I chose to raise it myself that there were programs to help me get through school and to help me get a job. I knew that both of these options involved me telling my parents and disappointing them. I felt like having an abortion would be the only way to avoid disappointing them. She told me “Please don’t get an abortion. I know I can’t make you do anything but I don’t want you to go through with it. It will be a decision you will regret for the rest of your life. You will sit and wonder all of the what ifs. You will wish you could go back and change it all.” She then told me her story of how she had an abortion. She told me that there was not a day that went by where she didn’t wonder what would have happened if she had not done it. She gave me the pamphlets with the information about adoption. She hugged me and whispered in my ear “God will still love you whatever your decision may be.” She walked to her car and left. I sat on the curb for what seemed like hours, contemplating all of my options. I knew that I could not go through with the abortion. I did not want to have the regret and sorrow hanging over my head. I would have to face the disappointment of my family. They were fully supportive and forgiving which was unexpected. I was going to give my baby up for adoption at the beginning of my pregnancy but I changed my mind. There was a bond that had grown between my baby and I. I kept my baby and raised her with the help of my parents. I have made it my mission to help girls who are going through what I went through. I go around to abortion clinics doing just what that old lady did for me, she listened. I hope to show young girls the options they have. It was on a normal work day when a young girl caught my eye. I felt like I had to talk to her so…. i went to talk to her and she accepted my help.
i thought it could make you think.... about how aren't you glad you weren't killed as a baby because your mom didn't want you? or aren't you glad God is always there for us and how He has divine appointments set up? or maybe just about your calling in life, what has God called you to do? remember, God will still love you no matter what you do!! :)
I have always had a spot in my heart for babies. Growing up, it was my dream to work in an orphanage one day in a far off exotic place. That dream changed when I was 15. It was 15 when I became pregnant by my boyfriend at the time. When I told him, he bolted. I could not tell my parents. They would have killed me on the spot. My dad was a pastor and my mom was a Sunday school teacher. Both of my parents were high standing individuals in the community. To have their daughter pregnant at 15 would be a huge disgrace. They would be the laughing stock of the town. I knew I had to get rid of the baby. I searched all over to find an abortion clinic where I knew no one would recognize me. I had to take the bus two towns over. I ended up in the slums. I knew that absolutely no one from my church or my town would recognize me. I was scared to death. I walked into the clinic with my wobbly knees and shaking hands. I almost burst into tears uncontrollably. My tears were forced back. I had to be strong. As I sat in the waiting room, it felt as though the walls started closing in. I felt like I could not breathe. It felt like there was a one hundred pound bag of flour on my back weighing me down. I had to get out of there and fast. I stepped out to get some air. Little did I know, there was a woman who followed me out. She was an older woman, maybe in her late 60s. She sat with me on the curb. She didn’t say a word. We just sat there. I felt uncomfortable because I just knew she was one of those Bible pushing maniacs trying to tell me about how God hates murderers. I knew she was judging me, she was thinking about how the Hell fires would swallow me up if I did not repent and turn away from my sin. I felt that way until I turned to her. Her piercing blue eyes saw right into my soul. Her soft smile filled her face. It was then that I saw a tear in her eye. I knew she was not there to condemn me but to comfort me. She wrapped her arms around me and I lost it. I started crying and I could not stop. Over the sound of my sobs, I could hear her saying, “I know you are scared honey. It’s going to be alright. Calm down. You are safe with me. There is no need to be afraid.” She only said encouraging and comforting words. I then told her my story. For some strange reason, it felt right to tell her. I knew she would not judge me and I knew she was there to listen. She told me about the options I had. I could put my baby up for adoption and if I wanted to, I could have an open adoption, or I could raise the baby myself. She told me if I chose to raise it myself that there were programs to help me get through school and to help me get a job. I knew that both of these options involved me telling my parents and disappointing them. I felt like having an abortion would be the only way to avoid disappointing them. She told me “Please don’t get an abortion. I know I can’t make you do anything but I don’t want you to go through with it. It will be a decision you will regret for the rest of your life. You will sit and wonder all of the what ifs. You will wish you could go back and change it all.” She then told me her story of how she had an abortion. She told me that there was not a day that went by where she didn’t wonder what would have happened if she had not done it. She gave me the pamphlets with the information about adoption. She hugged me and whispered in my ear “God will still love you whatever your decision may be.” She walked to her car and left. I sat on the curb for what seemed like hours, contemplating all of my options. I knew that I could not go through with the abortion. I did not want to have the regret and sorrow hanging over my head. I would have to face the disappointment of my family. They were fully supportive and forgiving which was unexpected. I was going to give my baby up for adoption at the beginning of my pregnancy but I changed my mind. There was a bond that had grown between my baby and I. I kept my baby and raised her with the help of my parents. I have made it my mission to help girls who are going through what I went through. I go around to abortion clinics doing just what that old lady did for me, she listened. I hope to show young girls the options they have. It was on a normal work day when a young girl caught my eye. I felt like I had to talk to her so…. i went to talk to her and she accepted my help.
i thought it could make you think.... about how aren't you glad you weren't killed as a baby because your mom didn't want you? or aren't you glad God is always there for us and how He has divine appointments set up? or maybe just about your calling in life, what has God called you to do? remember, God will still love you no matter what you do!! :)
glow stick people
today i was in church at Sandridge First Baptist church. the sermon was about how Jesus was a light to the world and He shown through the darkness. it got me thinking about a sermon i heard at the Big God Conference a few years ago. they had glow- in- the- dark bracelets and talked about how you must be charged in the light to shine in the darkness, like glow bracelets glow when they are held up to the light!! well i started thinking about glow sticks.... and how Christians are glow sticks. too many times we are hesitant to do missions or to reach out because we think that we are too broken to bring any glory to God. but like a glow stick, WE GLOW THE MOST WHEN WE ARE BROKEN THE MOST!! only when we are broken can the Holy Spirit (the liquid inside of glow sticks) shine through us. so i urge you to be broken for God and use your past to bring others to God!! i love you guys and so does God!! :D
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Grace.... What Is It?
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Often times, we are given grace.
But do we even know what grace is?
Grace is too big of a word to be defined.
It is amazing, wonderful and spectacular.
It covers all sins.
It keeps you from falling into the darkness.
It is a safety net.
It is inspiring.
Grace is love.
It is a shining light to guide us.
It is freely given.
It protects us.
It teaches us.
Grace is everything.
Grace holds us in its hands.
Grace can come in little ways.
It can come in HUGE ways.
It is beautiful.
It came at a price.
It covers everyone.
Grace is blind.
Grace was nailed to a tree.
It is pure.
Grace cries out.
Grace is always present.
It plays the background sometimes.
Grace is awesome.
It is magnificent and fierce.
It is strong.
It is a path leading home.
Its a thing you never thought of.
Grace is caring.
Grace is on display for the world to see.
It is all powerful.
Grace is God.
Grace is faithful.
It is elegant.
It is lovely.
Grace is seeing the small things in life.
Grace is appreciating the small things in life.
It is delicate.
It is movement.
It can withstand the storm.
It can handle the punches.
Grace can cut into our souls.
It can show us that we need something.
It can show is that we need someone.
That someone is God.
He loves you!
He washes away your sins.
There He stands magnificently beautiful! God in all His glory! Yet He reaches down to us, a mere grain of sand and picks us up. He washes us and makes us new! He makes us His! Grace is many things, but one thing is for sure.... Grace is God!
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